The stigma associated with being a prison wife
The stigma associated with being a prison wife begins to take a toll. I’ve been asked “what is wrong with me” so many times that I begin to doubt myself. Sometimes when I’m all alone at night, I lay my head on the pillow and ask myself. In the quiet solitude, I beg God to reveal the answer to me. Adam often reminds me that there is nothing wrong and to let go of the insecurities. But its hard. Its hard when in every direction I turn there is a finger pointed at me. In today’s video, I explain not one but two stories that happened that day alone.
I have no doubt that every prison wife can relate to what I went through not only that day but on an ongoing basis. So, now is your turn to vent. How have you been judged and ridiculed? Release it in a comment below then together, we can all let our self doubt and our insecurities go. Health, love & a big hug…xo, Ro
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I get really tired of people thinking something is “wrong” with me, or thinking I must have low self-esteem, or be desperate, because I love MJ and am standing by him. I get even more tired of people who ask me why I think I am good enough to make him change or straighten out when he never has before. The one that really hurts to hear people say is what makes me think I am good enough to make him change when his own daughter didn’t seem to be good enough. I think that is a low blow for anyone to say. My response is that it has nothing to do with me being good enough, it has to do with him being at a place in his life where he is finally ready to make changes in his life. I hate it that people who don’t understand our relationship try to tear it down by sowing seeds of doubt. I don’t know how many times I have heard people say “He’s just using you”, and “why would you want to marry him, he will just leave you and go back to his old ways as soon as he’s out”. My response to that is that even if he is, which I know him well enough and know in my heart that he’s not, that I intend to enjoy the happiness that we have right now, and if all I have is five more minutes of happiness with him I plan to enjoy that too, for however long it lasts. I have spent a huge portion of my life being unhappy in terrible relationships. I am happier with MJ than I have ever been in my entire life. True, we have our ups and downs, all relationships do, but the good outweighs the bad. My previous bad relationships have no bearing on my choice to be with him and stand by him and wait for him. My choice to be with him, stand by him, wait for him, and become his wife, are all about the person he truly is inside, a person that treats me with respect, loves me with all his heart, and has been a gentleman since the day we first met many years ago. I understand that most people don’t understand where we are coming from or why we do what we do. I think it is a shame because we do what we do for the simple reason that everyone deserves to be loved and we have found that and we are happy, even if we are not ecstatic about where they are, why they may be there, or how long they will be there. The truth is we have an opportunity with our inmates that most people don’t take advantage of in their relationships out in the world, and that is to truly get to know everything about each other, and to learn to communicate even in the most difficult and restrictive circumstances. We learn to love based upon what is truly in someone’s heart rather than make our choices solely on the physical. We love for the right reasons. Maybe other people don’t understand because they have never approached love in such a way. I know for myself, until MJ, I always went about things backwards, getting the cart before the horse so to speak. This time, we are both getting it right, doing the work, talking about it, learning about each other, and falling in love all over again every single day. Do I doubt myself sometimes? Do I get discouraged at times? Yes on both counts, but not because of anything that he does or doesn’t do, and not because I think something is wrong with me, but because people tend to attack and question and ridicule what they do not understand. Is that my problem? It can be on days that doubts try to take over, but really ultimately it is society’s problem in that society as a whole discards inmates and criminal offenders deeming them unworthy. Everyone deserves to be loved, whether free or incarcerated, and while neither of us ever expected to be in the situation we are in trying to maintain a relationship and eventual marriage while he is in prison, neither of us would change a thing because we have each other and we know without a doubt that we are loved beyond measure and love with all our hearts. Piss on the rest of the world and their attitudes and derogatory comments, ya know?
I’m so glad you posted this Ro. It is so funny though because when people find out about my man or even associates of mine want to give unwanted advice like “just be careful” and things like that I get so mad because I am thinking to myself, well he does as much as he can for me and my daughter (who is not his by the way), he treats us amazing, we trust each other, and I almost want to say to them our relationship is way better than what you guys have going on so step back and get your situations in check before thinking I am crazy for being with an incarcerated man. People will ask me why can’t I find a man on the outside and what is wrong with me. I laugh at that because I can find a man anywhere, however not one that connects and vibes on a level as Rob and I do and also not one that is going to treat my daughter with so much love. I am a grown and responsible adult and I can agree to disagree with peoples’ choices but show them respect and not overstep boundaries at the same time. I wish people would think before they speak and belittle someone. As this website shows, there is NOT anything wrong with us. We are strong women who are in love and that’s all that matters.
xo,
Liz
Thanks for your thoughts, ladies! Yes, yes, yes — Wise words from both of you. I LOVE reading your comments. xoxo, Ro